daknotes

Top 10 Characteristics of the Perfect Spouse

Several years ago, Mars Hill Church posted a podcast from their singles ministry, called Covenant. One of the pastors at the time, Lief Moi, gave a talk called “Top 10 Characteristics of the Perfect Spouse.” I recently remembered I had it on my iTunes, so I took some time to listen through it and take detailed notes about it. I can’t find it anywhere online any more, so if you want to listen to it, shoot me an email, and we’ll figure out how to get it to you.

1. Most importantly: they have to be a Christian. “Evangelism dating” is foolish, because until they become a Christian, you will have to lower your standard of living to theirs. You’re giving them conflicting signals: “you’re okay for me to date, but not okay to marry.” You’re being unfair to them, and using them.

2. For ladies, is he a man? Does he identify with his “manhood”? Not “macho” and crude and rude, but embracing the fact that God made him a male. Does he like being a guy? Does he like the responsibility that comes with being a man?

   For guys, will she submit to you? Ephesians 5:24: “wives should submit in everything to their husbands.” Will she submit to your leadership/headship? Or does she want to fight you, debate you on every issue, make you prove every decision you make? Ladies, is he willing to lead?

3. Ladies, is he a one-woman man? Does he get whip-lash from checking out the ladies on the street when you’re driving with him? is he satisfied with being YOUR husband, and you being HIS wife? Or is he a flirt, always looking for attention? Look at his past dating record: has he bounced from girl to girl? (Take into account when he became a Christian too.) If he’s a player/womanizer, he’s not the kind of guy you want to marry. Why does he use humor? Is it to hide from rejection/insecurities?

   Guys, is she a flirt? Does she need the attention of a bunch of different guys? How does she dress, act, talk, react, respond? You can see this from a distance, too. If she needs/wants/thrives for attention, something has happened in her past (not loved by her dad, used/abused by another guy, or something), and has connected her identity to her sexuality.

4. Does he submit to spiritual authority, and authority in general? One of the worst/scariest things a woman can do is marry a man who doesn’t answer to anyone but himself. If he thinks he’s the center of the universe, you’re setting yourself up to be manipulated/used/abused/controlled. This is different than confidence: confidence is humble. He has to recognize the wisdom in submitting to others and seeking wise counsel.

5. Does she desire children, and is her heart homeward? Do you want a business partner, or a wife? If you want a business partner, don’t get married. If you want a wife, look for a wife. Does she desire to be a homemaker, to be your wife, to be a mother, to create a place of ministry, safety, rest, beauty? Or is that not fulfilling enough for her? Does she desire more than that? There is no higher calling than to raise children, to raise another human being. Not to be sitting in some boardroom or an office. That’s not more important than your child. If she looks down on stay-at-home moms, thinking “I could never waste my life like that”, then you need to look for someone else.

   This might be the first time you’re hearing this. But are you willing to grow? Are you willing to accept the possibility that maybe the culture and world around us are telling us lies? That maybe, true biblical manhood and womanhood is different? Our culture is all mixed up. Men need to be men, women need to be women, husbands and fathers need to be husbands and fathers, wives and mothers need to be wives and mothers.

   Will she be a good helper? Will she compliment you? Men, by themselves, aren’t very good. Men need a woman to balance them out, as well as to complete them. You should want to be a better man because of her. You should desire, want, and pray for a woman who can be your helper, who will encourage, love, believe in, trust, respect, and come alongside you.

6. Do they repent? This is a BIG one. When they recognize they are in sin, do you see a true heart of repentance (not just confession)?

7. Ladies, are they men of integrity? Do they care about their name? Do they want it to mean something, to have some value to it? Do they want to be known for their word: their yes is a yes, their no is a no, and when they show up to do something, they do it to the best of their ability? When times get tough, they don’t look for the easy way out, but they gather people around them and get to work? Is he honest, or a liar? Storyteller, exaggerator? (They’re usually a very insecure man if they exaggerate a lot.) You want to be a man who doesn’t worry about his name, but certainly thinks and is concerned about it. Is he respectable? Men, one of the most important things you’re going to need in your wife is her respect. Men want their wife’s respect, women want their husband’s love. Ladies, your husband does not want you to yell at him, beat him, try to change him. He wants you to believe in him, to respect him, to honor him. And if you do that, he will give his everything for you. Gentlemen, if you love your wife, if you cherish your wife, if you treat her more importantly than anything else in your life (work, hobbies, friends), she will give herself to you. But because of the fall, these are the hardest things to do in a marriage.

8. Obviously, there has to be a physical attraction. But let’s be blunt, if you’re not the most attractive person out there (say a “3″ on the 1 – 10 scale), you’re more than likely not going to marry someone high on the scale (7 – 10 range). If you have set your sights so high, you’re setting yourself up for hurt and pain when that doesn’t happen. Be realistic. There is so much more to beauty than what’s on the outside, because outside beauty fades quickly (and can be gone literally in a flash from an accident or a fire).

9. Guys, look for a woman who is content, who isn’t high maintenance or needs the best of everything. If she is content with little, she will be content with much. But if she’s not content with little, no matter how much you give her, she’ll never be content. Contentment is not about things, it’s about what’s in her heart. You want a woman who never complains.

10. Ladies, look for a man who is a hard worker. Who’s not in to “Get rich quick” schemes. Who doesn’t sit around playing video games, waiting for the next quick money opportunity. Who’s not gambling all his money, or buying lotto tickets, hoping he’s going to win it big. Proverbs calls those kinds of men fools. You want a guy who works hard every day, and saves his money. You want a man who will be faithful with a little. At the end of his life, he’ll have something.

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Update (4/9/2010): This week, Don Miller has been posting excerpts from his newest book, Father Fiction. Tuesday’s entry was entitled, Why You’re Attracted to the Opposite Sex, which provided a good introduction to Wednesday and Thursday’s posts, What Women Really Need From Men, and What Men Really Need From Women. All three are very good reads, and significantly add to the 10 steps I noted above. Also take the time to read the comments on each of them, as there is some very good advice from the commenters as well.